A little lost is a good thing

So, recently I had this revelation of what I would like to do with my life....and it might change tomorrow, but something inside me says it is here to stay for good.

Part 1.) The Situation
[note: I am really big on the numbering/outlining system...just ask my boyfriend] I was really lost for a while, not so lost to where I was in a panic and needed to find a park ranger ASAP before I found a bear...but lost to the point where...it was fun being lost for a while, but then it became dusk...and it was about to be very scary to be lost. But I was still clear of panic mode! So that was good news...but I was starting to think I should have left a trail of crumbs.

Part 2.) Awareness
I was happy in my life, I have an amazing family, I live with one of my bestest, truest friends, I have a great boyfriend and I love school. I love my classes this semester and I am doing well in all of them! (or at least I think I am) So on the surface, there isn't much missing. Unfortunately...there is more to a person than the surface and I was seriously struggling with an internal issue, something I had not made a final decision about which reflected well on my external life. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life! Whenever someone would ask me what I planned to do after school I would answer with my typical response, "I haven't thought that far ahead yet." And I hadn't. Graduation terrified me! I wasn't relieved, or proud, I felt scared. There are so many people I know who have their degree and ended up at a job not worthy of their knowledge, moving back in with mom and pops for an undetermined amount of time...their futures so uncertain. That's how I saw mine. My future was so up in the air, and the longer I postponed thinking about it, the worse it became.

Part 3.) The Light Bulb Goes Off
My internal struggle is one that I have a hard time coping with, but lucky bum me, I have a great support system! I am so thankful every day for the people I have in my life. I am never out of love. Well, one fine day I was talking to the love of my life about it. I usually don't, and I'm not always sure as to why, but I usually just keep this stuff to myself, mainly not to burden others. But my boyfriend is so good to me, and always so patient and kind and loving (don't get any ideas ladies, I'm not leaving him anytime soon!). I just talked about how I felt, how sometimes I didn't want someone to tell me how to do what I should do about my problems, but I want someone to feel just as lost, confused, and overwhelmed as I do. I just want someone to be sad with me. And of course, because he is perfect (I have been convinced of this) he says, "Well, no matter what you choose to do I will support your decision, and I'm sure once you make it it will feel like a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders." Then I cried. I told you he was perfect! He is sooooooo good at keeping me in check while reminding me that I am loved to the very core of my being. He was right. The thought of having said, "this is what I want, and you can do it," was such a relief, even just in theory, that I cried. It felt so good to imagine myself accepting my fate and being rid of this land of limbo, the journey forward has been long overdue. So now, I know my decision, and I am (almost) ready to move forward...or at least I have more courage to move forward than I did before. Progress.

Part 4.) Shining
After low-key making my decision, I decided that I needed something to fall in love with. So, what better use of energy than to use it to thinking about my future. So I did, and I don't know if my obsession with scrubs has something to do with it or because I lived with Zi Wang, one of the most brilliant passionate minds of medicine, or because I watched Grey's Anatomy all week...but I thought about med school. And I think that's what I want to do in life. I want to go into medicine. When I originally went to college, I went to study biology and to eventually move onto med school where I would become a spinal surgeon. Then I had this crazy idea that coupling biology with engineering would be great because if med school didn't work out I would have this awesome engineering degree as a fall back plan...neither is working out right now. So maybe there is still pieces of medicine in me. But, either way, I have decided...my life will be used to serve the world with medicine. Which branch it is, I don't know yet...but just knowing that somewhere deep down inside, I want to do this, and I will do this, gives me some kind of peace. It is new, it is different, and it is healing.

Of course, all of this could reverse by the end of the day...but for the past few weeks, this has been me, and I like it. I love it.

Happy Tuesday!
xoxo
M.