Anyway, let me start this off with the statement that the past two years have been amazingly terrifying. In both calm and storm I have more about the world, how I truly see the world, and who I am in the world. This has been both messy and lovely. Not too different from baking a pie in many respects. With all the different experiences, emotions, and relationships I have had throughout the past two years, one revelation remains a constant work in progress for myself and those it affects; my parents.
I'd like to take a moment to add in a disclaimer here, as I know anyone who knows both myself and my parents is probably appalled that I would ever publish anything this personal about my relationship with them. So I'd like to say that my parents aren't bad people. As a matter of fact, they are very lovely people. Generous with others, kind, glad to host a guest or party, they are funny, and in general, I think they are happy. I can't say that last part for a fact, but from what I gather from others, and from their actions with me, I say with 98% confidence they are happy campers. I'd also like to say I'm happy that they are happy campers. Whether their happiness is measured by their standard, my standard, or the ominous THE Standard, it doesn't really matter in the end. So there, I'm not here to bash my parents, who are lovely people, I'm here to speak my truth. And if you don't want to read it, then you don't have to. That's the beauty of the internet, there's this X in the top right hand corner that you click on and whatever it is that you didn't want to see; the wrong link, a craigslist ad gone bad, or my blog, will disappear and the world will be right as it should be once again.
My parents and I are estranged. There are a lot of different events and conversations (and silence) that led up to this estrangement and I am 100% responsible for the relationship being what it is today. When I say that, I don't mean that I'm a terrible person and I'm the worst daughter known to mankind and now I'm too prideful to undo what I have done. I mean, I choose this. I choose to no longer have the relationship with them, and I have set certain boundaries and standards (my standards, not the ominous one) and expectations from them and myself, before we can make steps towards reconciliation. A main reason for the estrangement though, is that my idea of what a parent is and does and what my parents are and do, don't match up. It's a huge internal discord that I've lived with for quite some time, and eventually during this past summer, I just boiled over and I'm better for it.
To sum up why my parents actions and beliefs don't match up with what my definition of a parent is, here are some examples.
When I ended my relationship with my fiance, who I had been with for 5 years and was a few months away from marrying, I asked them to come to California to help me move out of the house my ex-fiance and I shared. They said they couldn't come, because they had a vacation planned...in a few weeks...and couldn't spare the money. But they would love to fly me "home" to Colorado when I was done packing up. At this point, I could manage. I get it, money's tight, and no one's world has to stop for me. Even if I am your kid going through some pretty tough stuff like, finding a place to live, finding a place to store my sad memories while I find said place to live, and basically starting at square 1 financially and emotionally. I digress. You can imagine my disappointment when, a few month later I learned they didn't actually go on that vacation, but my Mother was able to fly out to San Diego to attend her sister's housewarming party, and was completely content with not seeing me while we were in the same state. To top off this...disappointment, my mother reassured me through a phone call that, "We didn't even talk about you. Every time your name came up, I just said you were fine." If this whole situation needs further explanation, you should click on the X in the top right hand corner. Long story short, Mom can't make it when I'm in the middle of an emotional crisis, but she can make it to a sunny housewarming party. The craziest part is, everyone saw this. Everyone both my mother and I know on a personal level knows she didn't show up. The proof is non-negotiable. It took my mother 6 months to finally explain that she can't handle my emotions. And the only reason she did explain it, was because I got angry.
Mad is an understatement.
When I did get angry, I also told my Mother, in a fit of rage that I was molested as a child. And that because of her choice in parenting and lack of affection didn't make it safe for me to tell her this as a child, and it's why I didn't tell her as an adult. I don't think of either of my parents as safe people to trust with my secrets or experiences. And her response to me telling her about this molestation was, "Well, this is the first I'm hearing of this. That's something you need to work out." No Shit. Anyway, to make an even longer story even shorter, It took us 8 months to reopen to topic. After I spilled the molestation to her, not only did she not ask about it again, she also didn't tell my father. Again, imagine my disappointment when I called my Dad to ask him how I should approach my mom about it, only to find out that she never even told him! Again, if anyone needs further explanation on why this situation broke trust with my parents and I, click on the X and find yourself a craigslist ad in the "Seeking Male/Female" section. You'll most def comprehend what that post means. Secrets and stubbornness are a bad combo, and I can admit that my part in secrets and stubbornness was hurtful to my parents. I truly can't imagine what that felt like for them, to know I had been violated in that way and not be able to do anything to stop it. I don't blame them for it. I don't hold them responsible, and I just needed them to hear my story, tell me they believed me, and support me through my recovery. Everything that is underlined, I've said to them personally. Everything I've underlined is also what has led to me choosing to no longer have a relationship with them.
There is an ACT III, and it ain't pretty. Again, Cliff Notes version, I had a conversation with my parents that started better than expected...until my Dad disowned me because he doesn't understand what I mean when I say I need their support. He said, "What do you want me to do Marissa?! Buy you a vacation somewhere, huh? Will that make it right?! I don't know who you are! You're no daughter of mine." I'm hoping by this point, EVERYONE can see what is not right about this situation. I'm also hoping we can all agree that it's not something to laugh about, and I'm betting everyone would agree that it would be really WHACK if my Dad for some bizarre reason decided to JOKE about his disowning of me, even if it was just in passing. Well guess what, he did. Literally nothing can surprise me anymore...except maybe how expensive my MID bill is some months. And sometimes the misuse of your and you're (like, really, it's still not clear people?!).
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| My shit it most definitely not together. |
Anyway, it all boiled down to a conversation I had with my Mom this past summer, in which I spent a huge chunk of that conversation apologizing...genuinely and truly for the hurt I cause to them, my refusal to accept them for who they are (As I know it's a two way street, and it's not fun to receive rejection in any way), and my anger. "I'm working on it," is a direct quote from my mouth during that conversation at least 10 times. My mother not once said sorry, which is ok, but she also spent a huge chunk of the time that I was delivering my heartfelt apologies (through my tears) rolling her eyes.
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| Like, stop pointing my flaws out. |
This final act, left me physically ill for two days. TWO DAYS. CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY. VOMIT. NAUSEOUS. A DIET OF POPSICLES (ok, that part wasn't so bad, but still...). It even came in waves where I'd be chill AF for two hours then our of nowhere, realize what was truth and loose my damn mind. TWO DAYS PEOPLE.
And other than a small interaction I've had to have with my parents since this incident, that I felt went as smoothly as it could, we haven't spoken since. Why? Because at this said interaction, after everything that's been said (a majority of which was not put on display in my writing) and done, my parents still think that I'll come back to them once I'm "better." In my mother's words, "Whenever you're ready to be happy again, we're here. As long as it takes." It obviously hasn't occurred to her that I am happy. And for now, that happiness doesn't include them and their behavior. To be honest, I feel I've done my part. I let my parents know very clearly what my expectation is, what my boundary is, and why we can't function in the same reality right now. I've changed my number of which I did not give them and which they haven't asked for, so other than e-mail, there's no way to connect. So we have arrived here, estranged. I'm better for it. These past 6 months without them in my life has been so overwhelmingly healing and beautiful and full of hope and love. There has been hurt and disappointment as well, but the pros by far outweigh the cons.
And by the look of their facebook pages, their world continues to turn. I can now say, as will mine.
And by the look of their facebook pages, their world continues to turn. I can now say, as will mine.
Finally, I'm set free.
Until next time (cu in 2 yrs lulz)
xo,
M.
p.s. If you didn't find the hidden gems of my links, scroll back and find them. They lead you to helpful sites, contrary to what the linked word(s) may have you believe.
Until next time (cu in 2 yrs lulz)
xo,
M.
p.s. If you didn't find the hidden gems of my links, scroll back and find them. They lead you to helpful sites, contrary to what the linked word(s) may have you believe.
Also: Don't hate on my truth if you don't agree with it or don't agree with how I've chosen to express it. That's the beauty of writing. And the beauty of the X in the top right hand corner.
