And I was so...ANGRY!

It has been a rough weekend for me.

As all ya'll know, my parents live a few miles away...in Colorado. Friday morning the Mister and I finally had a brilliant idea, let's drive to Colorado! It would be half the cost of a plane ticket and we wouldn't have to worry about the whole airport business and...heck, we're young and can do a 20 hour drive! Remember, that was Friday morning.

Friday night, to make a long story short, my clutch went out. The car that was taking me home for Thanksgiving, was not going to do that anymore. 

On Saturday morning the Mister took the car to the shop and the news just got worse. The price tag on the fix was PRETTY gnarly and I was PRETTY angry.

Turns out, I am just like the kids I work with when it something comes between me seeing my Mom and Dad and Sister so I did terrible things. I cried. A lot. The Mister tried his very best to comfort me and I wouldn't even let him so much as breathe on me. (Poor guy...I owe him.) My pup was trying to give me lots and lots of kisses and I was having none of it. And worst of all, instead of using my words...which I tell my kids to do every day, I hit things, I threw things, and I kicked things. I made a big ol' mess in my home, with my stuff. I was so, very angry.

After a day of "handling it" and "blowing out", I finally found some safe space in the corner of the hallway closet. Where it was nice and dark and cold and where I didn't feel so small. And I realized I now related to the kids I work with on a whole different level. I've been angry before, and thrown things in a moment of anger...but I literally went through my home and tore everything apart! It was scary to those around me and it was scary to me...and I am so disappointed in myself. But I understand now. I understand how it feels to be so hurt that you are driven to anger. And to know it! And to want to control it, and to still feel so, very angry and so, very out of control. 

I couldn't believe myself, and I couldn't believe what I had done. It was the first time in a long time that I felt it on the inside that I needed to change. I needed to be kind to those who love me and who were trying to help me, and I needed to be kind to myself. 

I feel that when I move on in life, and continue to work with children who can't squeeze lemons, or count to ten, or do the hot air balloon, or take a break...I can help them better than before. 

My anger really opened my eyes, and it made me realize that I need to change. But there is always a silver lining.

Until next time.

xoxo

M.

The Most Amazing Thing

The most amazing thing happened to me on Friday, and it was so humbling and so freeing and beautiful. I just have to share. I feel like it is a terrible thing to keep what happened to me, to myself.

I work with some...crazy wonderful kids! Literally, crazy and literally, wonderful. I love what I do with my days, but some days it's a tough gig! And last week was full of tough gigs with tough crowds. I...

1. Was sick...and have been for 3.5 weeks.
2. Wanted my Mommy because I had not seen her in too long.
3. Was probably hangry most of the week since I rarely found time to eat.
and...
4. It was a bad time of the month for all the business to go down. JUST SAYING!

Anyways...Friday came along and something amazing happened.

Every Friday the kids get to go out and play for fun in the afternoons, kind of like a bonus recess. I love this time of the week because I sometimes get to let loose and play some good old fashioned tag (I'm not as fast as I used to be!) and I get to play pretend Princesses (which I absolutely love) and I basically have nothing preventing me form being my natural self, a big kid!

This past Friday though I was at the swings and one of my little ones ran super lighting speed fast towards the swing next to me, tummy first, and went FLYING. I swear, it looked like she was FLYING. And oh, the laugh that followed. It was the highlight of my week! It had been so long since I had heard a laugh like that.

I asked her how it felt, and if it was fun. She told me that it was SO FUN! I proceeded to reveal my age and tell her that I had not done that in YEARS. Like, I seriously overemphasized the yearssssss part.

"You should try it again."

When my answer was immediately a big fat, "No!" she reminded me of something special...

 "Don't you remember it being fun? You should try it. Just take a deep breath and try it."

When my little one suggested that I laughed (and the fact that I am constantly reminding my kiddos to take deep breaths was also kind of funny)...but it was not the awesome kind that just took place because a kid thought they were flying. It was the, "Oh Please!" laugh.

"Why not?"

I had no good answer. The only answer I had was that I was scared. I am so much bigger now than I was then, when if my knees scrape the bark? What if it hurts to have all that weight supported by that tiny swing? What if I fall flat on my face? After this train of thought, I realized how lame I was.

Luckily, with the encouragement of a friend, lots of giggles between us, and 20 second of pure bravery...I did it! I swang on a swing on my tummy. I didn't scrape my knees, I didn't fall flat on my face, and I did feel free. And oh, the laugh that followed. It was magical. I spent the next five minutes of my life swinging on my tummy, pretending I could fly, with a friend. And honestly, my soul was so happy in that moment that I couldn't remember the last time it was so. That does make me a tiny bit sad, but what a wonderful way to be reminded...

Love my kids, and as much as I try to teach them, I know I am learning so much more.

Until next time.
xoxo
M.