You know it...

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I'm a happy and simple person who just happens to be lucky and in love. Must have items in life: ♥ my family, pup, friends and the one that makes my heart all a-flutter♥. Don't be fooled though, I have bad days too, but that's ok because Light needs Darkness. Watch the TEDtalk about that.

Monday, October 24, 2011

A Mega Case of the Mondays

What is a case of the Mondays? Well, to me, it means a bad bad bad day. So bad, it requires three bad's!

So now that we have a clear definition, I am having the worst case of the Mondays, and it is all my fault. Instead of doing all the things I was supposed to do this weekend I thought, "Oh I've been under SO MUCH STRESS lately, I should take it easy because SO MUCH STRESS in the body isn't healthy." It's a fact, I learned it not only in my Health Psychology class but also in my Health Disparities course. This of course was the worst idea I've ever had in my life. Who am I kidding? I had a PROJECT for my WRITING class due on Monday, and I decided it would be a good weekend to take off? You can see how this is all becoming my fault.

Well, I spent the whole weekend studying for other things and watching movies and eating ice cream cake. Not productive at all in terms of my HUGE PROJECT due on Monday. Mistake number 2. Then last night I decide to drive my boyfriend back home instead of making him take the train, mistake number 3. I STILL HAD a whole project to do! But, my silly little girl brain thinks this is a good idea because, hey! anytime with my boyfriend is a good time. False. I was so stressed the whole time I was with him because I FINALLY decided to start my project and was up till 2:30AM and I didn't even finish. Then I remembered I would have to drive my procrastinating behind all the way back to Merced tomorrow morning. Yes, that doesn't sound like a terrible drive, so maybe you need some back story. I hate driving. I especially hate driving the short stretch between Modesto and Merced because I drive it so often. Therefore driving either direction stresses me out way more than it should. It definitely puts into perspective for me the 20 years my Dad spent commuting back and forth to the Bay Area. He just outdid himself for the Strongest Man in the World award. So, main point, I did NOT have a fabulous time with my boyfriend and I should've just had him take the train.

On top of my not so stellar decision making, I am beyond homesick, I am beyond stressed, and I spent half my morning crying because I was so upset with myself.

So, note: Procrastinating because I think I've done enough stressing for the week, then proceeding to sleep over at my boyfriends place is not worth this Mega Monday Meltdown.

disclaimer: I obviously do not blame my wonderful, amazing, handsome boyfriend for any of my feelings. He didn't hold a gun to my head.

Basically, I'm having a hate fest at the moment. But, I did pray to Eugene during my whole crying session on the way back home this hopefully he answers my prayers or just helps me remember this feeling next time I think of postponing important business.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Silly Relationship Excuses

If the fact that he "makes me laugh" was what made me love him so much, I would sit and watch comedy movies all day.
If the fact that he "does sweet things for me" was all it took, I would send myself chocolate, because Eugene knows I deserve all kinds of chocolate goodness. 
If the fact that he "buys me things" was how he thought he could elicit love from me, I would just set aside part of my monthly budget to go by myself a new pair of shoes.
If the fact that he "takes me to nice places" was the only date he knew how to plan, I would go on a drive by myself, play my music, sing at the top of my lungs, and make as many bathroom stops as I wanted...I wouldn't have to answer to anyone.
If the fact that he "just says the most romantic things" was the only way he knew how to show his emotions and communicate that he loves me, I would write my own poems about how much I love myself.

None of those things, on their own (and to some point, even combined), are any reason to stay with a dude.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Not Just Passing

So, I just got done taking the hardest exam of my semester thus far. I feel exhausted, hungry, and GREAT!

But, of course, in typical Marissa fashion I has a mini melt down around question 12 of 55. I had two hours to complete the test and was only at the 20 minute mark, so I decided to take a few minutes to remind myself to breathe. As I sat back I had this familiar thought in my head, "I just want to pass." I prayed and prayed and prayed to just pass! I have recently found my academic mojo again, and I am not about to lose it over this exam. I can't go back to being lost.

Then, the light went off.

I'm so done with wanting to "just pass". I am NOT that kind of gal. I don't want to be the person who just skates by. I am a go-getter and I want to be the best version of myself, and I want to be the best at what I do. I don't want to just settle for mediocre, I am not mediocre. I don't want to fall somewhere in the middle and I don't want to be satisfied with just doing enough to get a C in a class. I am A+ material, and it has been far too long since I've had that mindset. When I couldn't do math and physics all of the sudden, I think my ego took a huge hit, and instead of reaching for the stars again, I became comfortable on the ground. My peers made me feel comfortable, and I made myself comfortable. I nestled right into the "average" student, and it was easy to do that when other people around you are content with that. And it was no one's job to remind me that I am brilliant in my own way. It was no one's job to say, "hey, I think you can do better." It is my own duty to always remind myself that I am capable of having anything I want. I am young, I am smart, and I am driven. The bar for myself is officially set higher, and I don't want it any other way. I am up for my own challenge, which is the hardest kind we can come by in life.

So yeah...I'm done with just passing. I'm ready to be the best. Even if I get a grade that is less than an A, if I PERSONALLY feel like I did my best with my resources...then I know I'll get the grade I deserve and it will be a great indicator of where I stand in that field of knowledge. No more blaming professors for being "hard" (they should be that way!) no more blaming sucky grades on "unfair grading" and definitely no more calculating before hand what I need to get on an exam to just pass the class. I LOVE to learn, and that should apply to test taking, paper writing, and presenting as well! I should go over my material, study, and be passionate because I want to become educated...not because someone told me to be educated. Wanting the knowledge is probably the best study tool anyways!

With all that said, I got back to my exam, answered EVERY SINGLE QUESTION to the best of my ability and integrity. I was confident in myself with every answer I submitted...and even when I wasn't, I faked it to myself. I did the research for it the best way I knew how, and if I still got it wrong then I definitely deserved to get it wrong. My grade will definitely reflect where I stand. If it's poor, I need to work harder and if it's great, that means I'm doing things right!

Happy Hump Day!

p.s. I think I rocked my exam!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

A little lost is a good thing

So, recently I had this revelation of what I would like to do with my life....and it might change tomorrow, but something inside me says it is here to stay for good.

Part 1.) The Situation
[note: I am really big on the numbering/outlining system...just ask my boyfriend] I was really lost for a while, not so lost to where I was in a panic and needed to find a park ranger ASAP before I found a bear...but lost to the point was fun being lost for a while, but then it became dusk...and it was about to be very scary to be lost. But I was still clear of panic mode! So that was good news...but I was starting to think I should have left a trail of crumbs.

Part 2.) Awareness
I was happy in my life, I have an amazing family, I live with one of my bestest, truest friends, I have a great boyfriend and I love school. I love my classes this semester and I am doing well in all of them! (or at least I think I am) So on the surface, there isn't much missing. Unfortunately...there is more to a person than the surface and I was seriously struggling with an internal issue, something I had not made a final decision about which reflected well on my external life. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life! Whenever someone would ask me what I planned to do after school I would answer with my typical response, "I haven't thought that far ahead yet." And I hadn't. Graduation terrified me! I wasn't relieved, or proud, I felt scared. There are so many people I know who have their degree and ended up at a job not worthy of their knowledge, moving back in with mom and pops for an undetermined amount of time...their futures so uncertain. That's how I saw mine. My future was so up in the air, and the longer I postponed thinking about it, the worse it became.

Part 3.) The Light Bulb Goes Off
My internal struggle is one that I have a hard time coping with, but lucky bum me, I have a great support system! I am so thankful every day for the people I have in my life. I am never out of love. Well, one fine day I was talking to the love of my life about it. I usually don't, and I'm not always sure as to why, but I usually just keep this stuff to myself, mainly not to burden others. But my boyfriend is so good to me, and always so patient and kind and loving (don't get any ideas ladies, I'm not leaving him anytime soon!). I just talked about how I felt, how sometimes I didn't want someone to tell me how to do what I should do about my problems, but I want someone to feel just as lost, confused, and overwhelmed as I do. I just want someone to be sad with me. And of course, because he is perfect (I have been convinced of this) he says, "Well, no matter what you choose to do I will support your decision, and I'm sure once you make it it will feel like a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders." Then I cried. I told you he was perfect! He is sooooooo good at keeping me in check while reminding me that I am loved to the very core of my being. He was right. The thought of having said, "this is what I want, and you can do it," was such a relief, even just in theory, that I cried. It felt so good to imagine myself accepting my fate and being rid of this land of limbo, the journey forward has been long overdue. So now, I know my decision, and I am (almost) ready to move forward...or at least I have more courage to move forward than I did before. Progress.

Part 4.) Shining
After low-key making my decision, I decided that I needed something to fall in love with. So, what better use of energy than to use it to thinking about my future. So I did, and I don't know if my obsession with scrubs has something to do with it or because I lived with Zi Wang, one of the most brilliant passionate minds of medicine, or because I watched Grey's Anatomy all week...but I thought about med school. And I think that's what I want to do in life. I want to go into medicine. When I originally went to college, I went to study biology and to eventually move onto med school where I would become a spinal surgeon. Then I had this crazy idea that coupling biology with engineering would be great because if med school didn't work out I would have this awesome engineering degree as a fall back plan...neither is working out right now. So maybe there is still pieces of medicine in me. But, either way, I have life will be used to serve the world with medicine. Which branch it is, I don't know yet...but just knowing that somewhere deep down inside, I want to do this, and I will do this, gives me some kind of peace. It is new, it is different, and it is healing.

Of course, all of this could reverse by the end of the day...but for the past few weeks, this has been me, and I like it. I love it.

Happy Tuesday!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

The Way A Former Volunteer Boss Inspires

Ah, yes, here I am starting a blog. How random is this? Although, I suppose this will help me cope with everyday life. Plus, I heard that writing every day makes you a better writer...not that I plan on becoming on of those.

Well, I was inspired to being a blog by no other than my former volunteer boss herself, Val. She's a really cool person, so I figured if she starts one...maybe it's a good idea! She also started her first blog with an introduction to

My name is Marissa. Other names include Maddy, Miss Jean, Riss, Awesome...take your pick. I'm 22 and finishing up my last year in college (woohoo!) and I am so ready to be out. Family, God, the order. I have this weird addiction to sugar, arts and crafts, and making my bed every day. I'm not very good at being an actual girl. Don't know how to do my hair, not sure if I actually know how to dress my body (although Val knows how to dress hers!...pass on the skill girl!), and I definitely don't do that passive aggressive aggression (??? is it just me or does that sound funky?) thing very well. I'm a nice gal though! I'm also a big fan of painting my nails every other day. It's a thing I have.

So that's I am, ready to "blog"...which will probably just me another procrastination tool for actual work.