As all ya'll know, my parents live a few miles away...in Colorado. Friday morning the Mister and I finally had a brilliant idea, let's drive to Colorado! It would be half the cost of a plane ticket and we wouldn't have to worry about the whole airport business and...heck, we're young and can do a 20 hour drive! Remember, that was Friday morning.
Friday night, to make a long story short, my clutch went out. The car that was taking me home for Thanksgiving, was not going to do that anymore.
On Saturday morning the Mister took the car to the shop and the news just got worse. The price tag on the fix was PRETTY gnarly and I was PRETTY angry.
Turns out, I am just like the kids I work with when it something comes between me seeing my Mom and Dad and Sister so I did terrible things. I cried. A lot. The Mister tried his very best to comfort me and I wouldn't even let him so much as breathe on me. (Poor guy...I owe him.) My pup was trying to give me lots and lots of kisses and I was having none of it. And worst of all, instead of using my words...which I tell my kids to do every day, I hit things, I threw things, and I kicked things. I made a big ol' mess in my home, with my stuff. I was so, very angry.
After a day of "handling it" and "blowing out", I finally found some safe space in the corner of the hallway closet. Where it was nice and dark and cold and where I didn't feel so small. And I realized I now related to the kids I work with on a whole different level. I've been angry before, and thrown things in a moment of anger...but I literally went through my home and tore everything apart! It was scary to those around me and it was scary to me...and I am so disappointed in myself. But I understand now. I understand how it feels to be so hurt that you are driven to anger. And to know it! And to want to control it, and to still feel so, very angry and so, very out of control.
I couldn't believe myself, and I couldn't believe what I had done. It was the first time in a long time that I felt it on the inside that I needed to change. I needed to be kind to those who love me and who were trying to help me, and I needed to be kind to myself.
I feel that when I move on in life, and continue to work with children who can't squeeze lemons, or count to ten, or do the hot air balloon, or take a break...I can help them better than before.
My anger really opened my eyes, and it made me realize that I need to change. But there is always a silver lining.
Until next time.