And I was so...ANGRY!

It has been a rough weekend for me.

As all ya'll know, my parents live a few miles away...in Colorado. Friday morning the Mister and I finally had a brilliant idea, let's drive to Colorado! It would be half the cost of a plane ticket and we wouldn't have to worry about the whole airport business and...heck, we're young and can do a 20 hour drive! Remember, that was Friday morning.

Friday night, to make a long story short, my clutch went out. The car that was taking me home for Thanksgiving, was not going to do that anymore. 

On Saturday morning the Mister took the car to the shop and the news just got worse. The price tag on the fix was PRETTY gnarly and I was PRETTY angry.

Turns out, I am just like the kids I work with when it something comes between me seeing my Mom and Dad and Sister so I did terrible things. I cried. A lot. The Mister tried his very best to comfort me and I wouldn't even let him so much as breathe on me. (Poor guy...I owe him.) My pup was trying to give me lots and lots of kisses and I was having none of it. And worst of all, instead of using my words...which I tell my kids to do every day, I hit things, I threw things, and I kicked things. I made a big ol' mess in my home, with my stuff. I was so, very angry.

After a day of "handling it" and "blowing out", I finally found some safe space in the corner of the hallway closet. Where it was nice and dark and cold and where I didn't feel so small. And I realized I now related to the kids I work with on a whole different level. I've been angry before, and thrown things in a moment of anger...but I literally went through my home and tore everything apart! It was scary to those around me and it was scary to me...and I am so disappointed in myself. But I understand now. I understand how it feels to be so hurt that you are driven to anger. And to know it! And to want to control it, and to still feel so, very angry and so, very out of control. 

I couldn't believe myself, and I couldn't believe what I had done. It was the first time in a long time that I felt it on the inside that I needed to change. I needed to be kind to those who love me and who were trying to help me, and I needed to be kind to myself. 

I feel that when I move on in life, and continue to work with children who can't squeeze lemons, or count to ten, or do the hot air balloon, or take a break...I can help them better than before. 

My anger really opened my eyes, and it made me realize that I need to change. But there is always a silver lining.

Until next time.

xoxo

M.

The Most Amazing Thing

The most amazing thing happened to me on Friday, and it was so humbling and so freeing and beautiful. I just have to share. I feel like it is a terrible thing to keep what happened to me, to myself.

I work with some...crazy wonderful kids! Literally, crazy and literally, wonderful. I love what I do with my days, but some days it's a tough gig! And last week was full of tough gigs with tough crowds. I...

1. Was sick...and have been for 3.5 weeks.
2. Wanted my Mommy because I had not seen her in too long.
3. Was probably hangry most of the week since I rarely found time to eat.
and...
4. It was a bad time of the month for all the business to go down. JUST SAYING!

Anyways...Friday came along and something amazing happened.

Every Friday the kids get to go out and play for fun in the afternoons, kind of like a bonus recess. I love this time of the week because I sometimes get to let loose and play some good old fashioned tag (I'm not as fast as I used to be!) and I get to play pretend Princesses (which I absolutely love) and I basically have nothing preventing me form being my natural self, a big kid!

This past Friday though I was at the swings and one of my little ones ran super lighting speed fast towards the swing next to me, tummy first, and went FLYING. I swear, it looked like she was FLYING. And oh, the laugh that followed. It was the highlight of my week! It had been so long since I had heard a laugh like that.

I asked her how it felt, and if it was fun. She told me that it was SO FUN! I proceeded to reveal my age and tell her that I had not done that in YEARS. Like, I seriously overemphasized the yearssssss part.

"You should try it again."

When my answer was immediately a big fat, "No!" she reminded me of something special...

 "Don't you remember it being fun? You should try it. Just take a deep breath and try it."

When my little one suggested that I laughed (and the fact that I am constantly reminding my kiddos to take deep breaths was also kind of funny)...but it was not the awesome kind that just took place because a kid thought they were flying. It was the, "Oh Please!" laugh.

"Why not?"

I had no good answer. The only answer I had was that I was scared. I am so much bigger now than I was then, when if my knees scrape the bark? What if it hurts to have all that weight supported by that tiny swing? What if I fall flat on my face? After this train of thought, I realized how lame I was.

Luckily, with the encouragement of a friend, lots of giggles between us, and 20 second of pure bravery...I did it! I swang on a swing on my tummy. I didn't scrape my knees, I didn't fall flat on my face, and I did feel free. And oh, the laugh that followed. It was magical. I spent the next five minutes of my life swinging on my tummy, pretending I could fly, with a friend. And honestly, my soul was so happy in that moment that I couldn't remember the last time it was so. That does make me a tiny bit sad, but what a wonderful way to be reminded...

Love my kids, and as much as I try to teach them, I know I am learning so much more.

Until next time.
xoxo
M.

Topsy Turvy Tuesday

Happy Tuesday! It's been a crazy one, but wonderful in it's own weird way.

Anyways, I am already feeling a lot better about the balance in my life. Yesterday I just decided to cut out all the things that make my life stressful. I put all my worries on the worry train and bid them a light-hearted farewell as I watched it leave the station. 

I do have a cold though, and there were moments when a cozy bed shared with my loved ones sounds a lot nicer than trying to teach social skills! But with my new spirit I was totally able to stay focused and love my day...which has been refreshing and insightful! I've missed being so full of light and grace...

But the biggest "YAY!" moment of my Tuesday was when I was working out and I had a moment like this...

It was literally one of the most amazing feelings in the world! 

So motivating and a wonderful way to start anew.

Until next time
xoxo
M.

Starting Anew

Lately I have been feeling....well, a little overwhelmed to say the least. 

Transitioning from a college student, to a part-time worker, to a full time worker, to a full time worker with 2 side jobs within the past year has been crazy! Needless to say, I haven't been finding a lot of time to nurture myself, nurture my relationships, nurture my spirituality, or write. Lots o' no-no's. 

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my jobs! All of them. Working with little kiddos has been such a blessing in disguise...it turns out I am very nurturing and loving! Working with ED kids has taught me so much about myself and about life in ways I can't imagine could be possible through any other venue and I am so deeply grateful for every child. Tutoring has been a blast! It's been a great challenge and the kids I work with are sweethearts and pleasant reminders that not every kid will throw a chair at you when they are upset (not that I have any issues with chairs being thrown at me, dodge ball skills have indeed come in handy!). I love all the kids I work with, day and night, and they all bring something to my soul that just...makes it happy!

But...it is tiring, stressful, and frustrating at times. Lately, I haven't been feeling like I have time for myself, for my family, or for my friends. I'm so consumed with work and bettering my skill set that I've let some other relationships in my life fall by the way side. Sometimes I think, "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do to pay the bills." Other days I think, "I promised myself I would never become this person. Someone who is so engrossed in making money and working that I have no time for those I love."...ok, so that last one is a little bit exaggerated, but the emotion is the same. I feel like I have no time for those who love me most, family and friends, and it doesn't sit well with my soul. I feel guilty for letting my daily life become what it is. Even worse, sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I am going nowhere.

I'm a happy person. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my fridge, and a bonus point...I have a job I love! Every day I am so thankful for these things. But right now, I'm not living in the moment nor am I loving at my best.

Anyways...you get the picture. I'm overwhelmed with being an adult, and I'm having a tough time finding a balance. But I have decided that this cycle of negative thinking and guilt shall stop!

I've been depressed before, and I went to therapy for many moons to help me cope. I help kids every day try to cope with their emotions, so I'm trying to remember my own coping skills. Unfortunately, taking plane rides to Colorado almost every other week so I could lay in my mother's arms and cry is not an option current day. So I've been doing some research...

Diet and exercise! I've already been consistently working out for a while now, with some flip flops here and there (it's a hard bandwagon to hop on for me!) but when I do exercise I notice such a change in how I interact with others and how I interact with myself. I'm much softer, kinder, and overall happier! It's like the old Marissa just comes out, so I see this being a good thing. And I don't want it to be temporary. I'm not training for anything...it's a lifestyle change. Which brings me to my next point in that, my new eating habits will not be called a diet. A diet sounds like something that won't have to last forever. It's just the way I eat. Luckily for me, I am already inclined in my natural diet to eat fruits and veggies and fish and quinoa.

Since my last mega meltdown in life halfway through college, I have strongly believed that taking care of the self will almost always resolve your other issues. Once MY body, MY spirit, and MY life get back in sync with one another, everything else will fall into place. Balance will happen naturally. 

So, I am going to start seriously taking care of my body and seriously start taking care of my spirit!

Until next time...
xoxo
M.

Documentation #8

So, I reposted my bucket list and realized...I wrote a play in October!

I did this awesome play writing event called the 24 hour plays. Actors, directors, and writers all met at around 9PM on a Friday night. Then from 10PM-6AM writers wrote...and wrote...and wrote. Then, from 7AM-7PM Directors and Actors directed and acted! They put together a whole production and at 7PM the following Saturday, plays were put on stage! For our play in particular not only was it all the child actors for the event it was also directed by a child, who ended up having to step in as an actor when one of the original cast could not perform! They were amazing!

It was an amazing experience I feel blessed to have had! I wrote my play with my best friend and dedicated it to the children I work with!

It's hard to hear, but it's proof, I wrote a play!

Extra special thanks to Prof. Dawn Trook for making one of my dreams a reality!

Bucket List

Bucket List

Instead of New Year's Resolutions, I'm focusing on my Bucket List this year, thanks to my amazing cousin John who is always a great inspiration to LIVE life! Thank you! (I repost this every so often so I don't have to go digging!)

Updated: Feb 2013

1. Graduate College I did it! May 12, 2012!!!

2. Go Cliff Jumping Blogged

3. Actually give up chocolate for lent

4. Kiss under a mistletoe

5. Build a home for a family that isn't my own

6. Make a Quilt

7. Watch the Lord of the Rings Movies back to back (extended versions!)

8. Write a Play Blogged

9. Have a career that has me coming home knowing something new all the time

10. Have a Baby (because I'm blessed now!)

11. Go shopping without looking at any price tags

12. Get my motorcycle license

13. Own a motorcycle

14. Spend a whole day with someone who doesn't speak the same language that I do

15. Visit the Sistine Chapel

16. Have a marriage more beautiful than my wedding

17. See a Broadway Play in New York

18. Build a homemade Fort with the person I love Blogged

19. Get a tattoo

20. Feed a giraffe

21. Ride an Elephant

22. Ride in a Hot Air Balloon

23. Swim with Dolphins

24. Go Mountain Biking! I took my love on his birthday! I had a lot of fun, and it was a beautiful time!

25. Watch the Sunset and Sunrise on a beach

26. Join a book club

27. Hang stockings on my fireplace for me, my spouse, and my children

28. Live in an apartment with my significant other Blogged

29. Learn braille

30. Road Trip up or down the coast of California

31. Sleep under the stars in a sleeping bag

32. Donate my hair

33. Feed those less fortunate on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day

34. Have a huge kitchen with two ovens!

35. Smoke.....a Ham! gotchya!

36. Have Hurley be the ring bearer at my wedding

37. Love the skin I'm in

38. Sharing a spaghetti noodle with the one I love and meeting in the middle for a kiss

39. Take a Belly Dancing class

40. Write a message on a mirror for the one I love in lipstick

41. Take my Mom and Dad out to a nice dinner

42. Go to Vegas with my sister

43. Keep a plant alive for more than 2 months (baby steps)

44. Get my Dad to boogie at my wedding!

45. Attend a Same-Sex Wedding

46. Go to Disneyland with ALL my Alim cousins so I can relive one of my favorite parts of childhood

47. Go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium with my Gallardo Cousins to relive another one of my favorite parts of childhood

48. Learn how to surf

49. Visit the Candelbera Redwoods

50. Catch a fish

51. Have a map wall

52. Plant a tree

53. Have a veggie garden

54. Summit a Mountain

55. Volunteer in my child's class

56. Set foot on each continent

57. See Chachi Gonzales dance live

58. Skinny dip in the waters of Greece

59. Meet Ryan Gosling

60. Return a lost pet

61. Visit the Taj Mahal

62. Go into space

63. Milk a cow

64. Wake up to a breakfast in bed made by my children

65. Hold a snake

66. Pick out a Christmas tree with the one I love

67. Go to the Festival of Lights in Thailand!

68. Have my Dad walk me down the aisle

69. Lay down in a field of daisies

70. Ride a subway

71. Have the water of the Nile River run through my fingers

72. Explore the Great Barrier Reef underwater

73. Eat a cheese steak in Philly

74. Visit the Mother Land

75. Go to school and live in Berkeley

76. Have a beautiful home with a beautiful family in the Santa Cruz mountains

77. New Zeland it up

78. Dance like Shakira

79. Shower under a waterfall

80. Row a boat

81. Build an igloo

82. Visit Tibet

83. Play dress up and have tea parties with my daughter(s)

84. Witness and/or play all of the following: Chess Boxing, Octopush, Beach Flags, Road Bowling

85. Be proposed to with a ring pop

86. Go Skydiving

87. Go Scuba Diving

88. Find a beautiful place and get lost

89. See the Vatican

90. See the Northern Lights

91. Work for Disney

92. Open a bakery

93. Go to a TEDtalk convention

94. Speak at a TEDtalk convention

95. Go to an airport and have no destination in mind

96. Build a tree house with my husband and kids

97. Have my husband make our family dining room table

98. Eat pizza and pasta in Italy

99. Make funny faces and do funny things in front of a Buckingham Palace Guard

100. Attend a Masquerade

101. Sew a dress for myself

102. Meet J.K. Rowling

103. Watch the Ball drop in Times Square

104. Have a job that requires me to wear scrubs

105. Snowboard/Ski Blogged

106. Visit the Pixar Studio

107. See a Meteor Shower Did this with my boyfriend, his brother, and his brothers girlfriend...we had a blast!

108. Stand on the line of the equator

109. Spin a record

110. Visit Lucille Ball's grave

111. Have a library in my home

112. Put together a charity function

113. Donate to a Charity

114. Walk for Cancer

115. Protest!

116. See Mary Jane legalized in the big CA

117. Take a vow of silence for a day

118. Get CPR certified!  Got this done when I started working!

119. Kiss in the rain, soaking wet

120. Get into a taxi and yell "Follow that car!"

121. Sing my baby to sleep

122. Tomb Raid

123. Get a matching tattoo with my sister

124. Have the sand of an Australian beach beneath my feet

125. Learn The Krebs Cycle by heart

126. Have a happy life. See beautiful places, do crazy things, eat yummy food, have fun, be in a blissful marriage and fall in love with the children I have yet to meet...even if I never finish this list. :)

Totally Epic/ Documentation #28

These past two days have been totally insane...my life in general has been totally insane! But I love it! For a slight little recap of the back half of last year...

1.) Got an awesome job working with some great inspiration that feeds my passion. Epic.
2.) Hurley came back home to live with me after Thanksgiving! I love that little booger...more Epic-ness.
3.) Have cut out all the people who did nothing but take years off my life with their drama and their stress! I'm a people pleaser, so for me, this was epic indeed.
4.) Even better though...met some amazing people who have only made my life more beautiful by being in it! I love the people I work with and for. I'm so blessed and thankful...also more epic-ness.
5.) Moved in with the love of my life...this has been the most epic thing thus far.

Speaking of living with the love of my life, it is amazing. A lot of people told me (err...us) that there would be a lot of "growing pains" during this process and that we would really find out what ticks us off! And while I have to admit that there were definitely a few days in the beginning where I thought, "What am I doing? I am so NOT ready for this!" for the most part though, I've loved every minute of it! Even the not so great parts, my love proves to be the best man a woman could have. Even during the bad times, his number one concern is ALWAYS how I'm feeling...and then we address what made me so upset/angry/negative. Isn't that great? Isn't that totally epic? He may not always know what got me to a not so happy place, but he's always willing to talk it out. I love him!

Yeah, my love didn't know how to clean a bathroom properly at first, but that could also be because I'm OCD. He leaves lights on...well he learned that lesson REAL quick when the bill came in. He likes the dishes on the counter, I like them in the sink...so we compromised (which, by the way, isn't as bad as some people make it out to be!). We've learned so much about each other and our relationship and we've only fallen even more in love (well, I have) so I'm not sure if it counts as growing "pains". It feels a lot more like growing "happys" because I'm smiling and laughing and having a great time! I keep wanting to say, "Well it's just the honey moon phase," but I really don't think it is. I guess time will tell!

The weirdest thing about moving in with my love though is that...I think I might be obsessed with him. It sounds bad when I say it that way, I know, I know! I shouldn't have said it that way, but seriously, I wait for him when he works late into the night, and I can't sleep when he leaves early in the morning. I don't feel like cooking ANYTHING if he isn't home for dinner. I don't even sit at the dining room table if I'm all alone. And it's not like I'm sitting in a white room staring at a wall waiting for him to come back (although, I guess it seems that way...) but I just don't like to do those "we" things unless we are doing them. After a rough day, I can't wait till he walks through the door. After a FABULOUS day I can't wait till he walks through the door. He takes care of me, and I love to take care of him. I would rather go two days without bread than to go grocery shopping without him. It's the strangest thing! I mean, I would obviously go get bread...by myself...if it were that important but since we have moved in together, nothing seems to ever be that important.I want to say I'm a nut, and I most likely am diagnosed with something out of this world...but I can't help it. I feel so overwhelmed with love and happiness all the time that I can't bare to be apart from the person who I most want to share all of it with (and who is the main reason for so much of it!) and it sounds so awful, like I'm so dependent...but its so TOTALLY EPIC to me!

Alright, so my little rant about how much I love my boyfriend is over...and I'll stop making everyone (including myself) puke with all my mushy gushy love stuff...

Until my next urge to write...

xoxox
M.

"When it is right, 

when it is good, 

and when it is true, 

we is so much better than I. 

If you ever need proof, 

just look at us."