I like to think that I am a person who lives very passionately and lives very fully and am filled with purpose. But lately I've been finding myself being a pessimist. And it makes me sad because I love people and places and things and ideas (ie: nouns)! I don't.....not like those things. And lately I have been not liking nouns.
Part of it I think comes from the fact that for the past 6-7 years of my life, it has moved forward rather quickly. Went to college, did that whole scene. Got a job I love, currently in that scene. Moved in with my boyfriend and am then obviously in a relationship that is bomb diggity. And suddenly everything is at a halt.
Love what I do at my job, don't necessarily love my company. It's your basic overworked, under paid, under appreciated problem. Absolutely love my boyfriend, but considering we are both in the daily grind it's making it really hard to find any kind of crazy magic. (Also, anyone who wants to call me a terrible girlfriend because I'm stating that my relationship is in a bit of a plateau because we are both working our butt's off, can kiss mine.) Seems like everyone else in my life is making these leaps and bounds in the forward direction, and I'm sitting here like, "Oh! Hey there Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday/Friday! You're back again so soon? Same plans as last week? Sounds great!" Also I should mention that I am still living in my hometown, something I swore to myself 6-7 years ago would never happen. Can you see how quickly this is getting bad?
Even Princesses lose it sometimes.
Whew, ok, I needed to get all that negativity out of my system. And I had to let the world know. Because it's important that people know that happy people have bad days/rough times too. Personal struggles are real for everyone, and just because we talk about them, doesn't make us a rain cloud. Makes us human. Unless of course...it's all you talk about. Then you might be a rain cloud. But I am not a rain cloud!
Anyways, after some reflection and....tea. I have decided why I have such utter discontent for my life right now.
So, while definitely not as impressive as other people, I graduated with a degree in psychology and have pretty extensive background knowledge in biology and physics. I'm also super knowledgeable in the realms of Greek mythology, Tibetan Buddhism, creative writing, and somehow linguistics. Since I work with 6-8 year old's who have actual real-life issues to be pissed about, I sometimes forget that I am an intellectual being. I am spreading the light, but not being enlightened. And I sometimes really miss being in an environment with my peers talking about our perspectives and passions. I'm not in a place in life right now where that can happen. When I have those moments now, though far a few between, they are sacred to me. It reminds myself that I have thoughts and feelings and passion for things outside of my job. I love my job, I love what I do, I love my kids, and I am so grateful for their wonderfulness. But I have an opinion about abortion, same sex marriage, religion, and the creative writing process. And without having gone to a university...I wouldn't have this discomfort with my life right now. But I think it's worth the trade. I think it is good for me to be reminded, even if painfully, that I am so much more. So I am thankful for the challenge that my education and love for learning is now imposing on me. I'm uncomfortable in life right now, and it's probably because I know I am more than what I seem.
I know my worth, even if it takes a little prompting.
I love how I spend my days, but that doesn't mean that my love for the world stops there.
And this makes it hard to watch other people who I absolutely love and adore, go through milestones in life. I had a milestone (whether personal or public) every year almost for the past 6-7 years of my life. Now I'm just living. It's like, this is the goal I was trying to obtain. Stability, reliability, routine... it turns out that it's actually very boring. But to put a positive spin on this for my own self-esteem, I believe everyone goes through this at least once, and it also shows me that I could NEVER just be a housewife.
Wow, that was one of my finer plot twist.
And that is my explanation for my rough patch, and honestly, that's a much better reason than a lot of other peoples. And it feels good to let it out. I think, in a way, I'm slowly moving forward already. Writing is so beautiful to me.
Not sure if it was clear...
Goals for the upcoming week:
1. Remind myself daily that I am AWESOME.
2. Accept that it is o.k. that sometimes, the only time in the day that I will feel like someone gets me, is when a kid says, "f#$* you!" when they get disappointed because that is exactly what I would do.
3. Say No if I don't want to do it.
4. Cuddle with my puppy more.
5. Drink more tea.
After this week of accepting the fact that I am pretty much at a standstill in life, I will then set new goals in order to propel myself forward. But if there is one thing I have learned from life, it's that standing still is just so much better than walking backwards. And I need to be ok with that...at least for the week. Because I need to breathe normal again before I can chase my dreams.
I feel like this break has been long overdue. Since I hold myself to this really high standard of being super passionate and in love with everything, when I am not really "feelin'" it, instead of just being ok with that and accepting that I might be a little burnt out I start freaking out like, "No! This can't be!!! I am super passionate and in love with everything!!!!!"
And then I just get annoyed with everything. It's obviously not a good strategy, which is why I'm trying this whole taking a break thing. It's hard for me. But I think I will live.
I also think during my week off I to renew my spiritual self. I've been so out of touch with my inner peace, which is most likely how I winded up in this situation to begin with. I need a self-loathing detox. I've been pretty pessimistic lately (for me....it's probably the equivalent to other people's optimism...) and I just need to shake it. It's hard to shake it when you're too busy being in denial that it's a problem.
It does change me, and always for the better.
In the end, all that matters is that whatever I am doing with my day, that I can choose to be happy about it. If I'm taking a breather from being a TEDtalk watching, vegan eating, 5:30AM workout-ing, passionate lady so that I can watch a funny movie, The Office, laugh about the number 69, and eat In-N-Out for the day, I can choose to be happy about that. And if the very next day I give up my In-N-Out, immature laughter at the number 69, The Office, and funny movie watching for being passionate, working out at 5:30AM, eating vegan, and watching TEDtalks then I can be happy about that too. I just need to find balance, and I just need to choose.
So, I am therefore officially purged of my negativity. See what writing does to people? It helps them grow. I shall now start on my personal detox and mindset reset. As an old friend, turned health coach, turned self-love guru...I'm going to find my 'ness.
Until next time.