Midnight Therapy

I really couldn't think of a better word to describe my much delayed return to my blog. I think for a while there, I really just cut writing out all together. It was a chore to explain my whole journey via a writing only to not even have it come out right whenever I tried. So I just stopped trying to write about it. First mistake. Second mistake, was thinking that not writing about it was ok. I'm happy to have found a reason to write again, that doesn't feel like a chore. ALERT! ALERT! Gateway writing purpose. A preferred gateway anything, if you ask me...and MADD probably.

Anyway, let me start this off with the statement that the past two years have been amazingly terrifying. In both calm and storm I have more about the world, how I truly see the world, and who I am in the world. This has been both messy and lovely. Not too different from baking a pie in many respects. With all the different experiences, emotions, and relationships I have had throughout the past two years, one revelation remains a constant work in progress for myself and those it affects; my parents.

I'd like to take a moment to add in a disclaimer here, as I know anyone who knows both myself and my parents is probably appalled that I would ever publish anything this personal about my relationship with them. So I'd like to say that my parents aren't bad people. As a matter of fact, they are very lovely people. Generous with others, kind, glad to host a guest or party, they are funny, and in general, I think they are happy. I can't say that last part for a fact, but from what I gather from others, and from their actions with me, I say with 98% confidence they are happy campers. I'd also like to say I'm happy that they are happy campers. Whether their happiness is measured by their standard, my standard, or the ominous THE Standard, it doesn't really matter in the end. So there, I'm not here to bash my parents, who are lovely people, I'm here to speak my truth. And if you don't want to read it, then you don't have to. That's the beauty of the internet, there's this X in the top right hand corner that you click on and whatever it is that you didn't want to see; the wrong link, a craigslist ad gone bad, or my blog, will disappear and the world will be right as it should be once again.

My parents and I are estranged. There are a lot of different events and conversations (and silence) that led up to this estrangement and I am 100% responsible for the relationship being what it is today. When I say that, I don't mean that I'm a terrible person and I'm the worst daughter known to mankind and now I'm too prideful to undo what I have done. I mean, I choose this. I choose to no longer have the relationship with them, and I have set certain boundaries and standards (my standards, not the ominous one) and expectations from them and myself, before we can make steps towards reconciliation. A main reason for the estrangement though, is that my idea of what a parent is and does and what my parents are and do, don't match up. It's a huge internal discord that I've lived with for quite some time, and eventually during this past summer, I just boiled over and I'm better for it.

To sum up why my parents actions and beliefs don't match up with what my definition of a parent is, here are some examples.

When I ended my relationship with my fiance, who I had been with for 5 years and was a few months away from marrying, I asked them to come to California to help me move out of the house my ex-fiance and I shared. They said they couldn't come, because they had a vacation planned...in a few weeks...and couldn't spare the money. But they would love to fly me "home" to Colorado when I was done packing up. At this point, I could manage. I get it, money's tight, and no one's world has to stop for me. Even if I am your kid going through some pretty tough stuff like, finding a place to live, finding a place to store my sad memories while I find said place to live, and basically starting at square 1 financially and emotionally. I digress. You can imagine my disappointment when, a few month later I learned they didn't actually go on that vacation, but my Mother was able to fly out to San Diego to attend her sister's housewarming party, and was completely content with not seeing me while we were in the same state. To top off this...disappointment, my mother reassured me through a phone call that, "We didn't even talk about you. Every time your name came up, I just said you were fine." If this whole situation needs further explanation, you should click on the X in the top right hand corner. Long story short, Mom can't make it when I'm in the middle of an emotional crisis, but she can make it to a sunny housewarming party. The craziest part is, everyone saw this. Everyone both my mother and I know on a personal level knows she didn't show up. The proof is non-negotiable. It took my mother 6 months to finally explain that she can't handle my emotions. And the only reason she did explain it, was because I got angry.

Mad is an understatement. 

When I did get angry, I also told my Mother, in a fit of rage that I was molested as a child. And that because of her choice in parenting and lack of affection didn't make it safe for me to tell her this as a child, and it's why I didn't tell her as an adult. I don't think of either of my parents as safe people to trust with my secrets or experiences. And her response to me telling her about this molestation was, "Well, this is the first I'm hearing of this. That's something you need to work out." No Shit. Anyway, to make an even longer story even shorter, It took us 8 months to reopen to topic. After I spilled the molestation to her, not only did she not ask about it again, she also didn't tell my father. Again, imagine my disappointment when I called my Dad to ask him how I should approach my mom about it, only to find out that she never even told him! Again, if anyone needs further explanation on why this situation broke trust with my parents and I, click on the X and find yourself a craigslist ad in the "Seeking Male/Female" section. You'll most def comprehend what that post means. Secrets and stubbornness are a bad combo, and I can admit that my part in secrets and stubbornness was hurtful to my parents. I truly can't imagine what that felt like for them, to know I had been violated in that way and not be able to do anything to stop it. I don't blame them for it. I don't hold them responsible, and I just needed them to hear my story, tell me they believed me, and support me through my recovery. Everything that is underlined, I've said to them personally. Everything I've underlined is also what has led to me choosing to no longer have a relationship with them.

There is an ACT III, and it ain't pretty. Again, Cliff Notes version, I had a conversation with my parents that started better than expected...until my Dad disowned me because he doesn't understand what I mean when I say I need their support. He said, "What do you want me to do Marissa?! Buy you a vacation somewhere, huh? Will that make it right?! I don't know who you are! You're no daughter of mine." I'm hoping by this point, EVERYONE can see what is not right about this situation. I'm also hoping we can all agree that it's not something to laugh about, and I'm betting everyone would agree that it would be really WHACK if my Dad for some bizarre reason decided to JOKE about his disowning of me, even if it was just in passing. Well guess what, he did. Literally nothing can surprise me anymore...except maybe how expensive my MID bill is some months. And sometimes the misuse of your and you're (like, really, it's still not clear people?!).

My shit it most definitely not together.

Anyway, it all boiled down to a conversation I had with my Mom this past summer, in which I spent a huge chunk of that conversation apologizing...genuinely and truly for the hurt I cause to them, my refusal to accept them for who they are (As I know it's a two way street, and it's not fun to receive rejection in any way), and my anger. "I'm working on it," is a direct quote from my mouth during that conversation at least 10 times. My mother not once said sorry, which is ok, but she also spent a huge chunk of the time that I was delivering my heartfelt apologies (through my tears) rolling her eyes.

Like, stop pointing my flaws out.

This final act, left me physically ill for two days. TWO DAYS. CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY. VOMIT. NAUSEOUS. A DIET OF POPSICLES (ok, that part wasn't so bad, but still...). It even came in waves where I'd be chill AF for two hours then our of nowhere, realize what was truth and loose my damn mind. TWO DAYS PEOPLE.

And other than a small interaction I've had to have with my parents since this incident, that I felt went as smoothly as it could, we haven't spoken since. Why? Because at this said interaction, after everything that's been said (a majority of which was not put on display in my writing) and done, my parents still think that I'll come back to them once I'm "better." In my mother's words, "Whenever you're ready to be happy again, we're here. As long as it takes." It obviously hasn't occurred to her that I am happy. And for now, that happiness doesn't include them and their behavior. To be honest, I feel I've done my part. I let my parents know very clearly what my expectation is, what my boundary is, and  why we can't function in the same reality right now. I've changed my number of which I did not give them and which they haven't asked for, so other than e-mail, there's no way to connect. So we have arrived here, estranged. I'm better for it. These past 6 months without them in my life has been so overwhelmingly healing and beautiful and full of hope and love. There has been hurt and disappointment as well, but the pros by far outweigh the cons.
And by the look of their facebook pages, their world continues to turn. I can now say, as will mine.

Finally, I'm set free.

Until next time (cu in 2 yrs lulz)

xo,
M.

p.s. If you didn't find the hidden gems of my links, scroll back and find them. They lead you to helpful sites, contrary to what the linked word(s) may have you believe.

Also: Don't hate on my truth if you don't agree with it or don't agree with how I've chosen to express it. That's the beauty of writing. And the beauty of the X in the top right hand corner. 

Eudaimonia

My light and my love can only spread if I choose happiness. 

It has been a while since my last post, but it's only because I've been so busy and living life and creating myself! Rest assured I have been happy while I've been away. 

The past six months have been a roller coaster of emotions and personal growth. In a very short summary, I have been tutoring three clients, substitute teaching, stepping up my fitness game, and have taken a particular liking to painting. Wonderful things! But that doesn't mean I don't ever encounter stress or complete and utter breakdowns. I think I've just gotten better and not projecting those thoughts into the world. 

First, tutoring. Love it. I finally have something that is my own, that I created, and that I continue to create! This "outside the lines" job has provided me with experience that I don't think I could have gotten anywhere else in such a short amount of time. For two of my students, they are extremely gifted, and I was brought in as a supplement teacher. Considering my day job, it's a breath of fresh air to be with children who love to learn, and love me! Regardless of my day, regardless of what we are doing in session, they love to work with me and they are always eager to learn. I've been with them for a little under a year and a half and I've grown in so many ways with them. With my other student, he needs tutoring as any child does, for help because he is struggling. I love to work with him as well! He provides me with the reminder that I can change the world by empowering a child. I love him so much, he has a sweet heart and every time I show him that he is capable of something, it touches me in a way nothing else has. Gifted children are just that, gifted. And when they do struggle, the effort they put in to overcome it is so willing and almost effortless. With a child that needs help, when they put in the effort and see the results, for some reason it's much more magical to me. All of my kids have their strengths and weaknesses, that's why I am in their lives! But I think I am finally discovering my actual teaching style, and my personal philosophy on education and learning and all my tutoring kids helped me create that. I am so thankful, especially since they are all continuing to challenge me and force me to get creative! 

As for my personal philosophy on learning: Children don't learn from people they don't like.  Empower them through knowledge, and play, because play is research. Play is learning.

Second, substitute teaching. I loved teaching over the summer. I loved playing with my kids. I call them my kids because that is the place they hold in my heart. They are children whom I love so deeply, and want nothing but happiness and light for them. And I will do everything in my power to help that be a reality, no matter how dim the outcome may seem. If you don't know my day job, I suggest reading one of my past post, you'll understand why the only way to have the job is to love the job. Now, I love my job! So deeply passionate and in love with the idea of what I do. That doesn't make it easy. That doesn't mean I don't want to go some days. My job is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. It's not something I can walk through, it's a marathon. Basically, I endure the wrath of very angry children. They have every right to be angry. And my favorite, most precious thing, about my job is that not only do I get to help them through that anger, I get to teach them how to let it go. Or at least try. I don't necessarily teach all the math and reading that I should or want to, but I, along with every other person I work with, get to teach them how to become better for themselves. I always tell them, I can't make them happy. I don't have a button I can press to make all their anger and worry go away. I can help them by providing ideas, coping skills, an ear to listen, but I can't make them happy. They have to choose happiness. Only they have the power to lift themselves. I do everything that I can to make that as easy as possible, but it isn't easy for anyone. I love letting them know that they have power. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. But every time, I feel fulfilled. Just a child hearing that they have power changes a tiny little thing inside of them. It changes a tiny little thing inside of me. It's a struggle to constantly have the belief, but if I don't remind myself from time to time, I won't be helping them. And I love them, I do believe in them, and they should know it.

Spreading kindness in the best ways I know how!

Third, stepping up my fitness game. Ok, granted I did take a week and a half off somewhere in there, fitness is no longer a battle! When I didn't work out for a week and a half my body really missed it. I've also been incorporating new versions of exercise into my routine. I really tried to resent yoga for a long time, and then I did a little bit of a pilates mixed with yoga...and it wasn't half bad! So that's where I stand now, pilates mixed with yoga. Hopefully someday I'll just try full on yoga, but baby steps. As for everything else, my body feels different, which has changed my ind to be different. It's so crazy to me to see how a very simple change can make such a huge difference. Putting my body and it's well-being on my priority list has only been a benefit! I've also tried going vegetarian throughout the week, and reserving meat only for weekends. That plan didn't work out 100%, but I will say that about 70% of my diet is vegetarian for the most part and it's been really opening my eyes to yummy recipes and new ideas about food. I try my best not to eat processed or unhealthy foods, but french fries and donuts are my weakness. I have accepted that and now just put in those extra minutes at the gym! (slash my dining room) As for all my yummy healthy food, I try to keep it raw and natural. Loads of veggies and lean meat and healthy whole grains. When you start with good product, the end result will be good and yummy, unless you cover it in butter and salt and sugar (which makes it taste DELICIOUS, but not super nutritious). I usually don't drink extra supplemental drinks, as my holistic approach to my diet has served me well and sustains me throughout my 10-12 hour work days. But everyone has a different diet and everyone finds what works best for them! I am lucky that I find my inspiration and drive from a wonderful co-worker and friend that I see most days as well as from my old friend/healthy lifestyle mentor Jess, who you can check out here. Both of the ladies I look to when I'm in a moment of weakness or just...plain tired are so wonderful!  Overall, I'm happy with my progress. It's a slow steady one, and that's better than none at all!

Everyone has a different diet that works for them!

My fitness isn't a goal, it's a lifestyle that I want to nourish and grow in through all of life!

Next, painting! I have taken a recent liking to painting. It started when my oh-so-fabulous mother-in-law (who I like to simply refer to as Mom most times) got me a water coloring set for Christmas. It took me a while to break it open, but once I did it unleashed a whole bunch of pent up creative energy. I haven't had the same opportunities to be creative like my later college years, and I don't write as often as I should, but it's been so great for my soul! And you can even ask my boyfriend, there has been a change in our home...and for the better! I love this new outlet for my creativity and it's a wonderful coping skill for my stressful weekdays. I felt my creative candle dwindling, and then a gift set fire to it again. I am so grateful and I hope to never come that close to losing such a beautiful piece of myself ever again.

 Whew- well that what as quick as I could make that update! I hope to post again soon, as my life isn't all roses and well-wishes, and writing about my hardships and struggles really provides great reflection for me. But I was just so at peace with the world today...I had to put that light out there!

Until Next Time...

xoxo

M.

Lalochezia

I am not the same.

I'm having one of those moments where you realize how one single person, who you would not think could change your life in so many mystical ways, has changed me at my very core in so many mystical ways and then some.

I go into my job wanting to help others and give them comfort and a safe place. I don't expect that in return. And every now and then, I find it. Apparently, it sucks major when you have to let it go.

So thankful for the special life that was, I feel, somehow destined to cross paths with mine. I will meditate and try my best to accept the way of the world and to send light and love with the one who gave me safety, comfort, and help when I most needed it and least expected it.

Thank you for all that you've given to me, for making me a better person and to be more understanding of the world and other people. Most important, thank you for understanding me.

Until next time.

xoxo

M.

So totally worth it though...

Selcouth

I've been in a major DETOX mode for the past few days now and I'm already starting to feel the benefits. Trying some meditation, picking up a book more often, and waking up ridiculously early to work up a sweat and start my day off right. It was a slow start, but it's making fast changes. Totally loving it. I felt so out of myself. Negative, miserable, and having a quiet inner war. It's nice to be finding a balance again and to be rediscovering parts of myself that I truly love.

On a completely different note, I have been looking up "odd ball" interview questions that might be a tough to answer in an interview because, you know, I'm totally NOT looking for a new job. Anyways, the internet has some pretty interesting results for curve ball interview questions.

1. Do you believe in Big Foot?

I would have to say...yes! If there is one thing you should know about me is that I believe in magic. Actually, I just believe in all things that are sometimes pretty unbelievable! And to be honest, I don't even think Big Foot is terrible. He is probably just very misunderstood, not unlike a shark.
* I really liked this question. I've never had to think about whether or not I believed in Big Foot, have you? Honestly!

2. What are your favorite song lyrics? Why?

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I can not change
But till I try I'll never know!
-Defying Gravity, Wicked

Is it just me, or don't those words make you feel empowered? They are even better with the music and if Idina Menzel sings them instead of me. I loved the book and I loved the play. The story speaks to me in a language that I feel few others speak, and these lyrics in particular help me re-center myself and my perspective of others and the world.

*Didn't even know these were my favorite lyrics until a question made me think about it. But after a few minutes of letting go that my favorite lyrics did NOT come from an Earth, Wind, and Fire song...I knew exactly what they were. <3

3. How lucky are you and why?

Luck is believing you are lucky, and I am extremely lucky! I know some people don't believe in it, but as stated in my previous answer about Big Foot, I think it's safe to say that I believe in luck. There are things you have to work hard for and then almost insist on a lucky opportunity to pass by, then take a leap of faith! That's that 3% luck that everyone talks about in becoming successful. But there is also the luck of the family I have, finding the love of my life, and being mindful of how blessed I am. I didn't have to work to choose my family, I was born into a beautiful, loving family. That's lucky. When I met the love of my life, we were 12, and it took us 9 years of not even trying to fall in love, to fall in love. That's lucky. I CHOOSE to be mindful of my great life and the people that fill my heart. The fact that I choose this over fear, and that I try my best to be mindful, that is lucky. I'm lucky because I believe in luck.

I liked these questions because they weren't surface, I felt that if someone had answered them for me, I would feel more connected and intimate with the person. I find that as a happy note in the world of stressful interviewing!

Feeling much more positive and connected with my inner peace after meditation and, shockingly, these odd ball interview questions. It was nice to learn something about myself today! :-) Trying my best to remember to take my days a little slower, ask for help when needed, be kind to myself, and nourish my soul so I can better serve those around me.

Happy Topsy Turvey Tuesday!

Until next time...

xoxo
M.

Quaintrelle, But Not For This Next Week.

I'm usually a pretty happy dandy person. Lately, not so much. Which is weird for me...until I realize that I am literally in the daily grind of my 20's and it sucks in ways I wasn't really expecting. That might be contributing to the not-so-happy-dandy-person situation I'm currently experiencing.

I like to think that I am a person who lives very passionately and lives very fully and am filled with purpose. But lately I've been finding myself being a pessimist. And it makes me sad because I love people and places and things and ideas (ie: nouns)! I don't.....not like those things. And lately I have been not liking nouns.

Part of it I think comes from the fact that for the past 6-7 years of my life, it has moved forward rather quickly. Went to college, did that whole scene. Got a job I love, currently in that scene. Moved in with my boyfriend and am then obviously in a relationship that is bomb diggity. And suddenly everything is at a halt.

Love what I do at my job, don't necessarily love my company. It's your basic overworked, under paid, under appreciated problem. Absolutely love my boyfriend, but considering we are both in the daily grind it's making it really hard to find any kind of crazy magic. (Also, anyone who wants to call me a terrible girlfriend because I'm stating that my relationship is in a bit of a plateau because we are both working our butt's off, can kiss mine.) Seems like everyone else in my life is making these leaps and bounds in the forward direction, and I'm sitting here like, "Oh! Hey there Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday/Friday! You're back again so soon? Same plans as last week? Sounds great!" Also I should mention that I am still living in my hometown, something I swore to myself 6-7 years ago would never happen. Can you see how quickly this is getting bad?

Even Princesses lose it sometimes.

Whew, ok, I needed to get all that negativity out of my system. And I had to let the world know. Because it's important that people know that happy people have bad days/rough times too. Personal struggles are real for everyone, and just because we talk about them, doesn't make us a rain cloud. Makes us human. Unless of course...it's all you talk about. Then you might be a rain cloud. But I am not a rain cloud!

Anyways, after some reflection and....tea. I have decided why I have such utter discontent for my life right now.

So, while definitely not as impressive as other people, I graduated with a degree in psychology and have pretty extensive background knowledge in biology and physics. I'm also super knowledgeable in the realms of Greek mythology, Tibetan Buddhism, creative writing, and somehow linguistics. Since I work with 6-8 year old's who have actual real-life issues to be pissed about, I sometimes forget that I am an intellectual being. I am spreading the light, but not being enlightened. And I sometimes really miss being in an environment with my peers talking about our perspectives and passions. I'm not in a place in life right now where that can happen. When I have those moments now, though far a few between, they are sacred to me. It reminds myself that I have thoughts and feelings and passion for things outside of my job. I love my job, I love what I do, I love my kids, and I am so grateful for their wonderfulness. But I have an opinion about abortion, same sex marriage, religion, and the creative writing process. And without having gone to a university...I wouldn't have this discomfort with my life right now. But I think it's worth the trade. I think it is good for me to be reminded, even if painfully, that I am so much more. So I am thankful for the challenge that my education and love for learning is now imposing on me. I'm uncomfortable in life right now, and it's probably because I know I am more than what I seem.

I know my worth, even if it takes a little prompting.

I love how I spend my days, but that doesn't mean that my love for the world stops there.

And this makes it hard to watch other people who I absolutely love and adore, go through milestones in life. I had a milestone (whether personal or public) every year almost for the past 6-7 years of my life. Now I'm just living. It's like, this is the goal I was trying to obtain. Stability, reliability, routine... it turns out that it's actually very boring. But to put a positive spin on this for my own self-esteem, I believe everyone goes through this at least once, and it also shows me that I could NEVER just be a housewife.

Wow, that was one of my finer plot twist.

And that is my explanation for my rough patch, and honestly, that's a much better reason than a lot of other peoples. And it feels good to let it out. I think, in a way, I'm slowly moving forward already. Writing is so beautiful to me.

Not sure if it was clear...

Goals for the upcoming week:
1. Remind myself daily that I am AWESOME.
2. Accept that it is o.k. that sometimes, the only time in the day that I will feel like someone gets me, is when a kid says, "f#$* you!" when they get disappointed because that is exactly what I would do.
3. Say No if I don't want to do it.
4. Cuddle with my puppy more.
5. Drink more tea.


After this week of accepting the fact that I am pretty much at a standstill in life, I will then set new goals in order to propel myself forward. But if there is one thing I have learned from life, it's that standing still is just so much better than walking backwards. And I need to be ok with that...at least for the week. Because I need to breathe normal again before I can chase my dreams.

I feel like this break has been long overdue. Since I hold myself to this really high standard of being super passionate and in love with everything, when I am not really "feelin'" it, instead of just being ok with that and accepting that I might be a little burnt out I start freaking out like, "No! This can't be!!! I am super passionate and in love with everything!!!!!"

And then I just get annoyed with everything. It's obviously not a good strategy, which is why I'm trying this whole taking a break thing. It's hard for me. But I think I will live.

I also think during my week off I to renew my spiritual self. I've been so out of touch with my inner peace, which is most likely how I winded up in this situation to begin with. I need a self-loathing detox. I've been pretty pessimistic lately (for me....it's probably the equivalent to other people's optimism...) and I just need to shake it. It's hard to shake it when you're too busy being in denial that it's a problem.

It does change me, and always for the better.

\

In the end, all that matters is that whatever I am doing with my day, that I can choose to be happy about it. If I'm taking a breather from being a TEDtalk watching, vegan eating, 5:30AM workout-ing, passionate lady so that I can watch a funny movie, The Office, laugh about the number 69, and eat In-N-Out for the day, I can choose to be happy about that. And if the very next day I give up my In-N-Out, immature laughter at the number 69, The Office, and funny movie watching for being passionate, working out at 5:30AM, eating vegan, and watching TEDtalks then I can be happy about that too. I just need to find balance, and I just need to choose.

Word.

So, I am therefore officially purged of my negativity. See what writing does to people? It helps them grow. I shall now start on my personal detox and mindset reset. As an old friend, turned health coach, turned self-love guru...I'm going to find my 'ness.

Until next time.

xoxo,

M.




p.s. Yes.
 

http://www.ted.com/talks/carl_honore_praises_slowness?awesm=on.ted.com_srtT&utm_medium=on.ted.com-facebook-share&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=&utm_content=awesm-publisher

Bioluminescence

I am not the same.

Who I was when I came home on Friday afternoon is not the same person that left it Monday morning.

Gandalf: Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back. Bilbo Baggins: ...Can you promise that I will come back? Gandalf: No. And if you do... you will not be the same. 

I live and breathe the Lord of The Rings trilogy and am absolutely in love with The Hobbit. The history of Middle Earth is the closest thing I have to holy book. And this exchange between Bilbo and Gandalf perfectly sums out how I feel at the end of this work week. The job I have is a constant adventure, and this week, at my core...the very source of my being, has fundamentally changed. Forever. But before I get crazy, you should know some things about me.

I grew up Catholic, so my need for a false idol to replace the God I read about when I read the story of Babble, makes sense to me. I need a figure. And I love the traditions of my childhood faith. It's the most bizarre thing. I don't agree with the church at times, and I find their God a little wacky...but I can not fully leave it in my past. At Christmas I love to listen to the lecture, on Ash Wednesday I will usually make an attempt to get ashes, on any given Sunday I am totally in love with singing hymns of my past, and when I feel depressed I go to a Catholic church and I kneel and I pray. Then I went to University and had Jewish friends who told me of their holiness and I fell in love with how they spoke of their religion, and I took a class on Tibetan Buddhism that made my soul light up from the inside. I spoke with Atheist who made me uncomfortable in the best of ways. I had physics classes that somehow let me know that I was about to make sense of the world in my own way. I took a drama course, that was the first class that literally taught me how to think, not what to think. And most importantly, I had a struggle. A struggle that forced me to find my faith, because I needed it.

Spirituality is NOT religion. Being spiritual just means you are in touch with your own divine self. - A. Pereria

I'm a very spiritual person. ALERT: If you are easily offended by someone worshiping "false" idols, you might wanna skip these next few paragraphs, or just go read something that isn't as bad. I can't call myself religious because I don't really have a religion anymore. What happened to me was I educated myself about all different kinds of religions, and I found that I have a piece of all of them in me. And I'm still creating it. A few years ago, I found God. I believe in God, but I don't think it is the same one everyone else is talking about. I am not at peace with believing that there is a higher being in control of ALL beings...and would let evil happen in our world, on purpose. Or because we deserve it because we are so terrible. Because in our modern day world, we forget to appreciate that he died on the cross for us. I mean, I didn't study the Bible so I'm sure I'm missing something but, that's the whole vibe I get from the people who try to explain to me why evil happens. Somehow those people who have come across poor fortune either brought it upon themselves (sometimes true!) or deserve it. Uh....not ok. We make mistakes, we are human. We have a hard time appreciating those who are right in front of us, loving us, supporting us, and sometimes slowly dying for us in their own beautiful way. And a higher being of some kind wants to punish me? Punish others? Punish children? For not fully appreciating his sacrifice in the moment? I have a hard time being ok with that, so I'm not.

And I renamed my god Eugene. Eugene is a really cool dude who I sometimes talk to when I'm not sure what I am doing, where I am going, or how I am feeling. I know Eugene isn't perfect, and he never claims to be. I know that some days he's had a rough time and he probably goes to the bar for a shot of tequila. I'm also sure that it is in those moments that I usually have an epic failure. But I give him a break because you know what, he isn't all knowing! And being someone's faith, that's a rough job...and every one makes mistakes and needs to take a break! And he screws up bad too. Another thing I like about Eugene is that he doesn't claim to be in control. He's made it very clear to me that people are in control of their own mind, body, and souls. But I believe they can make it better on their own. And I believe we have multiple lives to give us the opportunity to grow and change. Sometimes, with the way of the natural world, it's impossible to learn all the things your spirit is meant to learn in one lifetime. And I think Eugene's purpose is to help us, not to do it for us, or be in control of it for us. And that he can only help those who want it. Even if they need Him, they have to want Him before he can help. Which makes sense to me, so I'm down with his method.

So to sum it up. I'm basically Buddhist with some tweaks. But I have Eugene, and I love science, so...that's...that. :-)

Thank you, Neil

. 

*Disclaimer: As I said, I feel I am of all religions. And I respect and honor those who have a different faith. All faith is beautiful at the core. I truly believe that. And I hope others can respect and honor my choices I have in my faith.

Live like there is no midnight. -Cinderella

Another thing you should know about me is that I actually believe in fairy tales. I either read them or listen to them most nights before falling asleep, and growing up, Disney movies were my comfort. A lot of people can't stand this about me, or they think I'm being fake. And I only know of one person who has seen that part of me, and liked it without ever questioning it. I love that person, and they will forever be a reminder that someone can really see me, and like me. Without doubt, and without asking, "Are you sure this is who you are?", and without laughing at it. That's how real my Princess complex is. I think what happened is I have believed I am a Princess for so long, and I have believed that my life is a fairy tale for so long, that it is now so apart of who I am, even thought I'm not 6 anymore. And you know what, I don't give a damn. I like it. It's what I love about myself. I have this amazing capability that even in the darkest of hours, I can still feel like I'm worth something, cause I'm a damn Princess! And I deserve a happy life! And I don't care if Prince Charming is along for the ride, I'm going to wear a crown anyways! *Whew, glad that's out of my system* My complex is who I am. And I love myself. It's not fake, it's genuine. And frankly dear, I don't give a damn if you believe it or not, because I do.

So those are two very, very real things about me. I'm a spiritual being, and I am a Princess.

Pain doesn't show up in our lives for no reason. It's a sign that something in our lives need to change.

If you don't already know, I work as an aide in a primary classroom for Emotionally Disturbed children. I work with the worst of the worst, because that is the kind of care we provide. These kids are aggressive, foul mouthed, and have this sense of entitlement that is beyond belief. But I can look past that those behaviors and see them, and understand them, and give them the love they most certainly deserve. It's a wonderful job. It's physically and mentally exhausting, and it's emotionally taxing, and it fills my life with meaning. I mean, when you tell anyone that you see them, and you mean it, it overwhelms them. When you tell it to a child who trusted people who were supposed to take care of them, and then were hurt, that you see them and you hear them, it overwhelms the both of you. Before I had this job, I had no idea that these kids existed in this world and working with them has given me a new lens of which I see life through. It is a gift I could have never gotten from someone else, and I am forever grateful.

But this week was in particularly hard, as you can imagine it would be for a calm spiritual being who is a Princess. We were short staffed, so that always creates some stress. But for some reason, when I learned about one of them it struck something inside of me. A terrible, horrible, inexcusable evil had been done onto the child and it changed me. To know that a child has been through that kind of terror is unforgivable to me, and it made me mad. And I wondered why I was suddenly feeling this way. I have known since day one that all of these kids have a story that is probably heart breaking and I can't say I would be any better if in their position.  But for some reason, this week, it made me angry, and it made me hurt. These little ones that I spend my days with, who I care for so deeply, have faced real dragons and real monsters.

It took me back. I thought I was a badass for growing up poor and going to college. And I used to have a lot of resentment towards my parents for some of my childhood memories. But then, I know these children who are truly the most wonderful beings. So deeply hurt and in need of something pure. And suddenly, I find myself thinking, "I'm special. But I don't know if I'm a badass anymore." I never wondered if my parents loved me, and I always felt safe with them. I never ate out of a trash can. I didn't have to hoard food out of necessity. I had my own dragons to face, and they were 100% as terrible as they seemed. But I think about the monsters my kids face, and I don't know how they do it. Knowing their lives, and knowing their past, I am literally in pure awe of how some of them manage to get out of bed every day and come to school.

But I am so happy they do, for my life has been made better by them. They suffer, and they (sometimes) let me help them. What an honor, truly.

My struggle I think, now after putting it into words, is that I'm angry. I'm angry at the monsters that have hurt the children I work with. I'm angry that they stole their innocence, and didn't let them live in a fairy tale. I am most angry that other people don't get angry. Sometimes when I tell people the nightmares of my children, they are sorry. They are sorry that that happened to them. And that it is terrible. And then they go on about their days, talking about their designer clothes, luxury cars they desire, and which celebrity cheated on their spouse with another celebrity and they now will boycott all movies that celebrity participates in because that celebrity is a bad person. If that is your definition of a bad person, you don't know what horror is. I don't think you know what kind of evil is really out there. Brad Pitt leaving Jennifer Aniston because he fell in love with another woman isn't evil. That's human, and people were hurt, that's true. But he isn't evil, he isn't even a bad person. Neither is Angelina Jolie. And sometimes when I talk to people, that's who they imagine to be bad people. It makes me sad. It makes me angry.

And that is my current struggle. That so many others, consume themselves with people who just sin differently. There are REAL monsters that have done awful things to others. To children. That should make people angry and it should make them hurt. Not Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie being together. I don't know why, but I'm having a hard time finding a coping skill for that.

You're telling me! 

I'm re-evaluating my beliefs and my priorities and what I want in my life. Things aren't coming in full circle for me. And this realization has shaken me. I lost a little Princess in me, I lost a little faith. And then I remembered...

Lack of passion is fatal. - Unknown

Where there is life, there is hope. I refuse to be beaten down by the system. I grew up in a wonderful home, with supportive and loving family, and the best of the best of friends! And I hope one day I can inspire others to make a change for ANYTHING they are passionate about. Whether it is children who have been wronged, or global warming, or how to improve our public education, or how to fold a fitted sheet. People lack passion. In general. And I realized that this week, and it's not ok with me. And someday, somewhere, somehow I'm going to help other people be passionate. Can you imagine what kind of world we would live in if every single one of us did what made our hearts leap? I know everyone that I work with has that, because to have my job, you have to love it. If you don't, you only kill yourself. But I want everyone to have that, because it's pure light. 

I am forever changed, especially after these past two days, at my core. But that's what a good job, a good passion, and a good life does. It challenges your beliefs from time to time and makes you stop in your tracks and think, "What the heck am I doing?" And at first, I wasn't ok with that. Why the hell is this change thing happening and where did it from? It caught me off guard and I wasn't ready for it. But isn't that how the best things come to us, from left field? Even if it's hard, painful, difficult, or just plain crappy... when you find something or someone that makes you think and sets you on fire, that lights you up on the inside and radiates out, it's inspiring. Be inspiring. Spread the light.

Holy cow, are things coming in full circle for me? I knew they would, when I began to write. That's the beautiful thing about writing, it leads you down a path and you come to the other side and it is completely different from what you thought. But for me, one thing is for sure, whenever I write, I find peace.

Until next time.

xoxo

M.

2014- A Time of Rebirth

Wow, first post of the entire year...I'm really bad at this whole finding time to write about things I care about/love/piss me off/and all of the above and everything else. *Sigh* Well, I hope to do a little better this time around!

First and foremost, the new year has been great for me! 

It started off with a substitute teaching gig that totally showed me that I don't want to me a teacher, which is great to know now, instead of after I've entered the program. I love the population I work with, and can't see myself anywhere else. So I'm sure I could be a totally awesome teacher for typical public school kids, but then I wouldn't be using my talents to their fullest potential. I speak the same language as ED kiddos...we just get each other. Anyways, it was super crazy, did it for 6 weeks (three of those actually being at the end of 2013) and long story short...glad I learned my lesson sooner rather than later and I have a new found respect for Special Needs teachers! Madness on top of madness, but I can't say I didn't have fun.

I finally understand! So, should I teach? Will the questions ever stop?!

As far as what lies ahead in my future now, I remain uncertain. But I know with 213% of my heart that I was born and put on this good earth to help this population, I'm just not sure which avenue that will be done in. I remain hopeful though, and I try to take it easy most days...I'm not even a quarter of a century old yet! And I love what I do now! So...for now, I am in a good place. That doesn't mean it isn't stressful!!! But I do wake up every single day filled with purpose. I feel so grateful to have a job that makes me feel good, and in the end I'm helping the kids, and the kids are helping me. 

...or at least that is how I like to think of it when the kiddos start driving the bus to crazy-town!

Another happy, fun thing I've been doing this year is working out. I've finally settled into a good routine and the working out and eating healthy isn't so much of a challenge anymore! It's not a hurdle I have to jump every day. I meet them with confidence! Actually, I can tell it is becoming a lifestyle because my actual preferences are changing! When I don't get my sweat on, I feel different. When I don't eat a balanced plate filled with healthy choices, I feel different. And the different feeling isn't good! It's heavy, slow, and exhausted really. But I like it! 

What I am most excited about is that I am:

• learning about new foods that, turns out, I L-O-V-E!
• literally craving exercise.
• learning about my body
• creating a lifestyle that can endure past laziness and youth
• willing to pay for my sweet tooth in the gym 

These are all things that are different about me, and they didn't happen over night (just like everyone said it wouldn't happen). So, I'm embarking on a new fitness journey. I consider myself fairly spiritual and holistic and I feel like my food should reflect that. And since my body is my temple, that should also reflect the spirit of my soul. Did that even make sense to anyone who isn't me? Do I care? :-) My favorite part about all of this is that I am doing it for me. It makes me feel good! And it's going to benefit me now and later. You're welcome, future kids.

I don't think I'll ever give up a mean burger, and I know I can never truly give up the cream of ice...but I can make better choices more often, so when I do go off the grid, I don't have to feel guilty and can enjoy it...and I can enjoy working it off! 

I would love to preach this amazingness to everyone I love so that they could all live long and prosper, but I know it isn't for everyone, and I know it's ok. It took me quite some time to realize that I even needed to make a change! I didn't know that if I did I would legitimately feel SO different...and everyone comes to it on their own, just like spirituality (hmmm, did things just come in full circle there?). 

BUUUUTTTT, if you are looking for some inspiration, my health coach is fantastic. Super positive and completely understanding that EVERYONE is on their own path. I didn't know where to go after I figured out I enjoyed veggies, and she helped me amp up my food game, which in turn kicked up my work outs since suddenly, I had energy to do them more intensely and more often! She's wonderful, and also is great with self-help and most importantly self-love. Whenever I am feeling down, I just read one of her entries and it's like BAM! Self-love tank is FULL.

As far as workouts go, to be honest, I have some legit gym anxiety. I'm super insecure about going in there and not knowing what the heck I'm doing! But luckily for me, I have decided to break my comfort zone and asked a friend for help. They are so happy to share their knowledge and it makes me really excited to give it a try...now I just have to go do it. :-) So obviously, my fitness journey didn't start at the gym, it started at home, with YouTube videos. Judge if you wish, but it got me started and I still do them to this day. It's a great convenience to be able to workout at home and not have to travel anywhere! I started with Pilates because, let's face it, if a Princess had to workout, she would probably do Pilates. So it only made sense for me to do Pilates! I found Blogilates on YouTube and it turns out she has a whole website, and just like my healthy coach she is super inspiring and positive! Granted, her perky attitude sometimes makes my post-work "I have had little kids yell at me all day long, kick walls, throw chairs, and spit on me" state of mind a little annoyed, I found that it actually doesn't bother me too much, Her passion for Pilates just shines through, and I can't help but feel good at the end of her workouts! I've been trying to go to Pilates classes as well lately and if you're local a great Pilates studio I found is StudioV. Very welcoming staff, and not once since going to take a variety of their classes have I felt judged! (O.K. maybe once during a TRX class, but I'm sure that was just in my mind!) (Also, I love their Zumba class!). At home, I also like the Fitness Blender workouts! Not as perky as my Pilates chick, and it's helping me get into other TYPES of workouts, which is great! Love them!

I'm sure this is what I look like half the time but, M-Badger don't care!

Overall, the year so far has been full of changes. A lot of rebirth, especially in my fitness and health life...but I'm diggin' it big time! It's a challenge for sure some days, and I know I am always going to have those kinds of days. But I am so happy I decided to take a step outside of my comfort zone, because now I have the courage to venture even further! I'm happy, healthy, and most importantly growing. Hope 2014 is just as wonderful for all of you! 

xoxo,

M.